Communication….

All studies say the same:

  • Poor Communication Is The #1 Reason Couples Split Up!
  • Studies show that a lack of communication is the number one reason couples get divorced.
  • 5 Communication Habits That Lead To Divorce

“It’s a natural reaction to try and get the other person to talk no matter what, but I believe there’s a better way… because the person you’re trying to get to talk will clam up even more.”
Doesn’t that ring any bell ?

“Covering up our feelings and not trusting our partner to be mature enough to manage their response to “no” just won’t work.”
Sounds familiar ?

“Many couples stop communicating with each other for fear of upsetting their jaja”
JaJa ….

This is not like we did not know it, but we fell in the same trap, head first, and without even noticing!

Did we think we were over this kind of issues, that we were sharing and communicating properly? I fear so, and what is the result now …. the best possible match in ruins!

I do not blame you, I do not blame me, I blame US for having the right ideas and failing miserably to get them through!

When did it start, I do not know, it was probably gradual, went slowly until it was too late.

When you spend more time talking about your couple outside of the couple that within the couple it is too late!
When you try to solve your couple issues with outsiders it is too late!
When you do not trust your spouse enough to discuss something with him / her it is too late!
When you believe your partner will not cope with the truth it is too late.

Didn’t we praise ourselves for being able to listen ? but what did really happen?

 

What was the issue, the root cause of our deteriorating communication?

Lack of Trust!

If you trust you spouse enough you should be able to discuss any topic.
Do not hesitate to say loud “No, I did not like that”, “No, I do not want that” but be also open to try, and clearly put the things on the table, “I am not sure if I want to go to this club but if I am uncomfortable promise me we will go”.
Trust him to challenge you and Trust him to watch over for you.
Is he challenging you too much? tell him clearly that it is too early for you. And if he did not get it, tell him again, at a different time, when he might be more open to listening.
If you are uncomfortable not having a set dinner every day with the full family tell her, do not come late just to avoid the piece of bread of her daughter, put it on the table and find a solution together.
Trust her to understand the situation, to accept you the way you are, tell her what you feel.

if you trust you spouse enough you should not corner him/her.
You should clearly put on the table the reason why you are addressing a topic and the fair outcome you expect. for instance “I do not want to know when you will be done with that, I want to know how you feel about the situation and how we could make it viable for both”. and if you need to come back to it every week, every day, do it, not to blame the other, but to reassure him you understand also how it feels.
If they do not like a topic, or do not understand it do not force her to take the lead on it, accept her difference, her ability on some subjects and inability on other.

If you trust your spouse you should tell him / her what you feel
It was good, I am fine are no proper answer, they are just words to avoid to express yourself.
What did you like, what didn’t you like, how do you feel, how does it make you feel. These are the questions you need to share on.

Somewhere on the way the trust was gone, the impossible promises I could not keep created a breach,  you kept wondering what I was doing over the weekends, how happy I was with my other family and let despair invade your life. I did not show or express my fears, my pain at seeing you in pain every weekends, my constant fight to keep you and my kids happy.

I did not manage to show you you were the love of my life, the person I wanted to live with, to experiment with, to discover with, to retire with.

Could we have done differently ?

Oh yes, god yes!!! We could have and it would not have been that difficult, but we did not!
We were having such a deep level of understanding of each other that we forgot to ask, to share, we wanted to protect the other and just created a barrier between us!

It is so sad….
We had it all …
We blew it….

But we can make it right!

I do not want all of this to have been for nothing, I know what I will change in my future relationships, please think about what you would change too!

I will never say any more I am fine
I will always provided one sentence explanation
I will express my feelings everyday
I will compliment her everyday
I will tell her when I do not like something
I will share with her all I can (running, badminton, cycling, reading, music, …)
I will follow her advices on my health
We will share on a topic everyday
I will not try to protect her from the truth
I will trust her fully to understand and accept
I will respect all her decisions
I will hold her hand in the street
I will introduce her to my kids and parents and friends
I will bring her to my school events
Every week we will do something new
And she can add to the list what I missed

 

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