I have always been much better in expressing feelings on paper than live,. Paper gives you the ability to express yourself with no interruption of any sort. Your thoughts can flow and be exposed naturally. Paper is also something to remember for the future, something no gone in the instant.
I love you, oh yes, I love you.
From the first time I saw you in your little shop and came with a probably stupid enquiry to today I have never ceased loving you.
My love changed, deepened, widened to become the engine of my life for the last 2 years.
It took me time and energy to seduce you, craziness and motivation, from that false start in your flat where you jumped on me and kicked me out the same day, from this stolen evening in Sylt which changed forever the face of the world, to the long chat we had yesterday, what a journey!
The best Journey of my life! It changed me in way I did not expect. I grew different, stronger and weaker. I learned, oh yes, I learned, in so many fields I do not think I can even list them all. It fuelled me with so many feelings, some of the best and worst I ever experienced in my life
Yesterday, August 26 2015 is a day I will never forget; it will be a milestone in my life, a day I will remember, a day for a new start.
This letter will carry the last tears I will shed on our love story and put a final line on it. There are so many more things I had dreamed and planned to do with you but I now realize and accept that it will not be possible anymore.
First I dumped you, so there ought to be a good reason 😉 (just kidding). More seriously I do not regret what I did that day of July on that car park. It has been the most difficult task I ever had to carry but that was necessary at the time. I was pulling you down and could not find any other way out. Yes, we should have discussed before but we did not, we did not raise this issue.
I am not a second choice. You decided to live a different story, that is fine, I understand it and I accept it. But I am not a backup plan, I will not wait for you expecting your relation to fail, I will from today re-start my life.
Most importantly, during the long exchanges we had yesterday I understood many frustrations, many cracks in the diamond we had built. Your love was starting to fade away under the multiple blows brought by my behavior. It was a wonderful chance to have that feedback, to have the possibility to understand what matters and what need to be changed for my future.
I loved you, I love you, I will forever love you, from today this love will be pure, will not consume me anymore, a father and child, a friend, not a partner.
I do not want you to worry for me, if yesterday the future was looking gloomy and somber it is not the case anymore and the sun will keep shining in my heart whatever happens!
So, time for new start.
What did I learn ?
- Be Yourself. It is true I have not been myself enough recently, I lost my way and need to find it back again. I will. I cannot leave without doing things for the others, this is my nature but there are still things I need to do for myself. I started a list, it will grow but I will put myself back on my agenda.
- Be Honest. With you and with the other. I need indeed to be fully honest first with my wife and I will be, this is a promise I made. Whatever lay in the future this item is the first step.
- Do not hesitate to Jump. I keep telling people that things do not have to be 100% perfect to start, I should also apply that to me, I should not have all the keys before starting something.
- Express your feelings. I got that one, few times. I think I found a way….
- People can change. Yes, they can! Look at you, look at me, even when you are fifty you can change!
- What do I expect from a relation. Trust, Honesty, Fun, Craziness, Emotions, lots of emotions, Challenge, Reassurance, Sex, Discovery, Sharing, Commitment, Learn, Teach, Forgive, be forgiven, Love escapes, be bewildered, Share a dream
- My Life is under my direct control
What Will Ido ?
Live, I will live an enjoy life! I have four marvelous kids and some good friends. I need to build on that!
From this week I will re-open my blog and publish at least an article a week (that one might well be the first one). I will speak about myself, express my feelings about what makes me react during the week. That could be friends, family or any event in the world but that will give me the ability to express my feelings, learn how to share them.
I will give six month to my marriage. Not six month waiting, no six months to change. As planned, in September I will tell my wife I am not happy. Why, because what I expect in a relationship is Trust, Honesty, Fun, Craziness, Emotions, lots of emotions, Challenge, Reassurance, Sex, Discovery, Sharing, Commitment, Learn, Teach, Forgive, be forgiven, Love escapes, be bewildered and today what do I have ? No sex because it is so sad it is not worth it, no honesty, no tenderness, no craziness, limited fun, no shared dream, little sharing apart on material things. This is partly my fault, having had affairs for very long time I did not invest a cent in my couple. If we can find a shared dream in the next month I will invest in it and bring what is needed. And we will see if in six months we can change and I can get what I expect. If not we will separate.
I will try to change job. Today I am bored, I need to learn, to change things and I do not see it happening in the current position and environment. I will go to some people in Safran I know, update my CV and start looking for what life can bring. I will also look into a game changer, My B&B in south west of France idea is not yet dead! Promise, it will have be a catonium branch.
So much has happen in the last 24 hours, a thunderstorm, an earthquake, a nuclear explosion, all of the above and more.
I felt so bad I could almost not breath, I had to go out to be able to shout loud, to let things go, I had to go inside my mind to get all the emotions, all the informations and learn and do something about them.
I am now almost at peace, I have to dry the last tears brought by this letter, I have to thank you for all this, these two years on this wonderful roller coaster, there is nothing I would not have want to live.
Now it is time to say good bye, not to a friend I expect to keep close but to a love, might have been the love of my life, probably the relationship where I have been the closest to the true myself, a love with an almost perfect match.
I love you Sunshine